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How Can Couples Share
God give me the serenity to accept things which cannot be changed; Give me courage to change the things which must be changed; And the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.
Reinhold Niebuhr
"I didn't know it would be like this!" This is a common refrain among clients who are trying to juggle all the responsibilities of their lives. While many couples worked together on solutions in their early marriage - sharing power, talking and listening to each other - many say that after years of marriage, career growth, children and the inherent stresses of life, they feel overwhelmed and disillusioned.
There's no question that sometimes life can feel like juggling two watermelons and a bowling ball. And when we're juggling that much, it would feel better if we felt there was someone else out there, ready to jump in and help with the juggling, or even encourage us to keep going, before we drop everything, or even if we do. Shelly explains, "When we were first parents, Raye wanted me more involved in raising our first son. At first I though she was feeling overtaxed by her childcare duties. Says Raye, "I knew Shelly would feel more connected with Josh if he was involved in his care, and why should I get all the diapers!" Shelly rose to the occasion.
"When she expressed this desire I was balkish. But I grumpily began, and I realized I liked taking care of my son. Then she went on to my helping with the cooking!" Those early years of creatively negotiating the nuts and bolts of family like laid a foundation for the future.
When a couple is a team, whether or not the couple observes traditional roles, each individual needs to feel that there is sharing going on. When a wife is handling the child care and household duties and does not feel that her husband is sharing the responsibility, or is even cognizant of her contribution, she may feel overwhelmed, alone, and stressed by the responsibilities. A man who travels all week for his job, and spends long hours fulfilling the obligations of his work, may fell disconnected with the going ons at home, and may also feel unappreciated or disgruntled.
Each individual needs to get in touch with his/her feelings, and feel safe in expressing them to his or her partner with the expectation of being heard. There is a need to redefine the roles each will play to contribute to the whole. We hear that the talking and listening that went on early in the relationships has gone by the wayside in the face of everyday stress. People under stress are apt to employ either confrontation or avoidance in dealing with the stressful situation. What couples under stress need is basic negotiation skills, so that they may indeed communicate their desires and concerns with each other and be heard.
Shared power and organization requires negotiation in a calm atmosphere. Each partner must accept the fact that it is ok to want help, and that it is ok to ask. Each partner needs a strong enough sense of self that he or she has the courage to pay attention to the other's desires without feeling threatened. Listening attentively with an open mind, responding by reiterating what you think you have heard to check accuracy, and providing considered feedback can open the dialogue between couples seeking to share. Once each partner's position is on the table and understood, the couple can go about synthesizing what they have and creating something better together.
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